My Time in Hueco Mundo
by Dellanotte
Summary: Aubrey’s checklist for Hueco Mundo can be summed up as such: Turn the whole place upside-down, and do it behind the scenes of the original manga. If you thought she was a whack-job in “Gorgons,” you ain’t seen nothin’ yet! Pairings included; IchiHime.
1. Not Gonna Get Us

Description: Aubrey's checklist for Hueco Mundo can be summed up as such: Turn the whole place upside-down, and do it behind the scenes of the original manga. If you thought she was a whack-job in "Gorgons," you ain't seen nothin' yet! Pairings included.

_I know that I should still be working on Gorgons, but I work best by going between stories. Don't worry; I'll work on both, I promise! And besides, this'll be fun; I like writing randomness!_

Chapter 1, "Not Gonna Get Us"

Lunch time, and Ichigo was revved to go to Hueco Mundo. Unfortunately, that would take awhile. How long? Not sure for the sake of my plot hole. Ichigo's Deputy Pass went off.

"Back in a minute—" And it fell silent.

"Another false alarm?" Renji cocked an eyebrow.

"Yeah." The pass went off, and the Hollow was about ten feet off! "What the-?!" It disintegrated. "WHAT?!"

"Wh-what the—?" Renji reached for the Gikongan. Nothing reacted. "What's going on?!" Nobody seemed to know. A ways away, undetectable to sensors or pesquisa, sat the culprit in a tree. The brunette watched them with a half-smile, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose and stroking the tiny Oriental dragon on her shoulder.

_How much more attention must I draw to myself?_ Aubrey wondered. She knew that the target, unlike the rag-tag by comparison group before her, was watching her. If Aizen cared that Aubrey was forcing Hollows to revert to normal Konpaku and pass on. Which he should, if she wanted to be let in. Aubrey pondered aloud, "Which side should I join?"

"Well, you _want_ to be in Hueco Mundo." The dragon, Casclu, shot her a look.

"True. That looks like it'd be more fun."

"So why bother pondering?"

"Because I can. And you know we're gonna reak havoc tonight, right?"

"So much fun."

That night, a nondescript human base wobbled and toppled over, _Teen Titans_ style.

"Yee-haw!" Aubrey watched the figures run away into the woods. "That was fun."

"Agreed." Both kept on talking, knowing full well that they were being watched.

"So how was she?" Aizen was perched on his throne, looking down at his most favored Arrancar.

"Strong," Ulquiora replied. "With useful abilities and an inclination to our side."

"So she's strong," Yammy protested. "Are we really gonna take _another_ human girl?!"

"I would not mind having her on our side, before she finds _other_ loyalties. And since she has expressed _interest_…"

That night, in a 16-year old girl's recently moved-into room, a portal from Hueco Mundo appeared. Three figures stepped through, causing their target to stir.

Aubrey, who had been asleep, sat up. Wearing a sports bra. "What the hell're you doing in my room? It's 3 am!" And she was wearing a black sports bra. And brought her arms to cover this, while glaring.

"Huh?" Yammy scratched his head.

"…" Ulquiora was perfectly calm, as if he failed to see the problem.

"Urk!" Gin was the only one to quickly turn around. Aizen sent _him_?

Grr… Aubrey ducked under the covers, quickly weaving fabric from her aura.

"Aizen-sa—" Ulquiora began.

"You have no tact, do you?" Aubrey pulled off the covers to reveal a pale blue, kimono-ish top. And was already wearing sweatpants, demonstrated as she stood. A silver tabby glared at all three through lapis eyes like her owner's. "Aiya… now, what do you think you're doing in my room?" She received an explanation and invitation. "Huh. Sure. Why not?" She, a human, had just agreed to join Aizen's ranks. "_If_ I can have a day to get my affairs in order."

The next day was fun. Aubrey was explaining to a teenager with windswept black hair. Who looked less than thrilled.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" Jake exclaimed. "You said 'yes'?!"

Aubrey shrugged. "Sure. Don't worry, I'll be fine. I know what I'm doing."

"But-but-but…" Jake compressed an argument. "I don't think the rest of the world'll be fine if you go evil on us _now_…"

"Too late. I agreed. Pity the enemy."

"You're sure."

"I'm sure."

Orihime was staring across the table to the other couch. The new one put in that morning(?) by two of Ulquiora's helper people. She hadn't dared to ask, but apparently Ulquiora had seen the question in her eyes anyway. She was going to have a roommate. She still hadn't dared to ask. Images of possible roomies flooded her mind, from Terminators to My Little Ponies to Ulquiorra himself... Now, her thoughts were interrupted by the opening of her door. Ulquiora and a brunette with glasses about her own age…

"You two will be sharing a room."

Aubrey nodded, arms crossed. Orihime nodded, eyes averted. Ulquiora left.

"Umm…"

Aubrey plopped down on the far couch, sighing then smiling. "Ai-ya, these clothes are too much. Aizen has no idea of how women like to dress. All white, I ask you?" Aubrey noticed Orihime's stares. "Oh, sorry. I'm Aubrey. You are?"

"Umm… Inoue Orihime…" Orihime was surprised by Aubrey's sudden friendliness. That was pretty rare around here. "Uhh, so I guess we're roommates…"

"Yeah. I guess they figured that they'd put the two humans in a room together."

"Human? You're a human?"

"Yeah, I heard that you are, too. So what're you in for? Healing or something?"

"Yeah." Orihime pointed to her hairpins. "These are the phys… mani… umm, what was it?"

"Physical manifestation?"

"Yeah! I can never remember that kind of thing…"

"Ouch. I kinda have to. I'm a witch.

"Huh?! Does that mean you have a cauldron and a broomstick and a little black cat and—"

"Heh… no, no, and no… but I _do_ know a dragon.

"A dragon?! No way!"

"Her name is Casclu." A black, narrow crocodilian head popped out from behind Aubrey's left shoulder.

"WOW!!! You're a dragon?!" Casclu pulled herself fully up. She looked like a sort of miniature Oriental dragon with black and blue counter shading, blue in the wings' insides and on the claws. "That's incredible! You're so cuuute!"

Casclu shrugged. "This is nothing. I can't take my adult form in here, lest I blow off the roof."

"Really? Wow, you're really cool!" Orihime was petting Casclu on the head. "You _purr_?"

"Yep. Water dragons tend to be shape-shifters. Other than dragon, my forms…" Casclu faded into full black, taking the form of a silver tabby. "are all feline."

"Aww!" Orihime cooed over Casclu, who apparently had pride.

"How long have you been here, anyway? (The windows are even barred…)"

"I don't know. It's always night, and I spend all my time in here…"

"Oh. That stinks. Can't you go anywhere..?" Aubrey suddenly turned serious. "Or did you not want to come here?"

!

"They forced you to come here, didn't they?"

"Uh… umm… did they force you?"

"No, I came here on my own." Aubrey felt slightly uncomfortable under the redhead's stare. "But if it's any consolation, your friends want to save you."

"T-they do?" She'd come here to protect them…

"Yeah, especially this spikey-haired redhead with this really scary glare and absolutely no patience whatsoever..."

"Kurosaki-kun!"

"Apparently. I never actually spoke to him."

"But then how..?"

"I was in the neighborhood, and the guy has a voice that could raise the dead."

Orihime took a second to piece together the irony of that last bit...

"So what do you do for fun around here?"

"I...uhm... I count the ceiling tiles!"

"...Huh?"

"One has a speck of dust on it that looks like a kumquat!"

"...Okay, I have an idea."

When first he'd opened the door, some ridiculous music had nearly blown him back. Ulquiorra forced himself to walk in, finding a ridiculous mixture of lights and two empty couches. He then froze, finally spotting the two, face dropping further into an expression very much resembling _What the fuck?!_

"We're doing fine," Aubrey called down as if she was still sitting on the couch instead of sideways, wearing rollerblades, and skating around a track that wound over all four walls. Sideways. Orihime looked somewhat more scared, but her attention kept being diverted by a need to keep from tripping over her own feet. They were both looking down from about fifteen feet up. Sideways.

"... This is your definition of 'fine'?" Ulquiorra was acting even calmer than usual. Aubrey knew what that meant.

"I see no bruises, blood, or banana peels."

"What?"

"We're fine. Just having a little fun, since Ri-chan can't leave the room."

"You two are surprisingly chummy."

"We're the only two humans in the whole place, and even if not that, there's always female solidarity."

"I see. Aizen-sama wanted to see you."

"Understood." Aubrey dropped to the floor with a whisper, skates vanishing over her regular boots. "See you later, Ri-chan."

"Both of you."

Aubrey turned TATU off and helped Orihime down.

"And how are you enjoying Hueco Mundo?"

"Quite well, sir."

Aizen nodded, unperturbed by the Western title. Perhaps he would be if he knew that Aubrey only used it with those she only pretended to concede higher rank to. "I'm glad. Ulquiorra has told me that you're making yourself at home."

"Yes, sir. It wasn't much of a challenge, really."

"I'm glad. Now, I would like to show you both something."

Aubrey could guess.

"This is my Zanpakuto, Kyoka Suigetsu."

Orihime looked at Aubrey with wonder once the door closed. No wonder Aizen had called in Aubrey-chan, but now she realized just how foolish he had been. To foil that blade, without Aizen even realizing..! "Aubrey-chan..."

"Hmm?"

"Why are you here?"

Aubrey knew that Aizen's surveilance was still intact, so she gave an answer without lying. "To strew chaos in my wake."

_Read and review, please._


	2. Tick Tock

_Yes, Chapter Two!_

_Don't own _Bleach_, only Aubrey_

......

"AAAAAH! OMIGOD NOOOOOOOOO!!! Please," she begged, gasping for breath. "PLEASE STOP IT, REY-CHAAAAN!"

"Never," Aubrey declared before laughing maniacally.

"AAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"_What_ are you doing?" Ulquiorra asked from the now-open door, struggling to maintain a cool lack of emotion. Before him sprawled the two crazy girls on one of the couches (now knocked backwards), one in tears and the other displaying immense sadism.

"He-help; she's-she's—" the first gasped.

She was asking _him_ for help? What could have possibly—

"SHE'S TICKLING MEEEEEE!!!"

"Like this?" The second jabbed her fingers along the first's sides, relishing in the screams that followed. Ulquiorra resisted the urge to stab his fingers into his ears, waiting for the humans to remember his presence. This was a relatively new thing to wait for, and Ulquiorra honestly couldn't say that he was enjoying it. The one with glasses paused eventually, but not before wearing his patience uncharacteristically thin. _Why_ had he ever given his support for having her come here? Why had he been in the group to go and _invite_ her here?

"In any case," the more annoying one began, standing and helping the normally quiet one as she did so, "did you need something?"

"The other residents would prefer that you keep quiet," Ulquiorra told her.

"Oh. My apologies." Unlike the redhead, this one didn't look too penitent, or embarrassed. "We'll keep it down, then. Ne, Ri-chan?"

"Ha-hai!"

The new one was giving the girl confidence. _Humans_, Ulquiorra inwardly sighed. "Then I will go."

"Oh, one other thing," Glasses girl said.

"Yes?"

"Where can I get some food around here?"

Ulquiorra wanted to ram his head through a wall. "I will send someone to show you."

"Thanks. Can Ri-chan come?"

Finally, a chance to strike back. "No."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Alright then; have a nice night, Ulquiorra-kun." Yes! She went there!

Not even that had phased this one? Curses. Wait… what? "What did you call me?" The less annoying girl's face looked like how he felt.

"Ulquiorra-kun." This one kept a straight face, as if she didn't know what she had done. "Would you prefer Ulqui-kun?"

Of all the *~#^#&^&! Despite the obscenities jumping around in his head, Ulquiorra maintained his cool, somehow. "No."

"Alright, Ulquiorra-kun."

"You may not call me that, either." Aizen-sama; if the other Espada heard that..!

"Alright, Ulquiorra."

At this point, he could live with that. And so, he closed the door without looking back, and proceeded to continue a mental session of WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!

That was one of two things that Ulquiorra had found himself doing recently: asking that question, and variations of it, at a ridiculously high rate. The other was waiting for lesser beings, humans, to acknowledge him. It was infuriating and annoying and he just wanted to boot this little monstrosity straight back to the Human World. She was even worse than General Gin!

And speaking of more annoying people, here he came now, the only other one in the hall.

"Ah, hey, Ulquiorra! How ya doin'?"

If only there were a way to remove this one. Wait… A little blacklight bulb lit up, visible only to Ulquiorra who couldn't care less. "Hmph."

"How's the new girl?"

"Trash who still needs to be shown around."

"But didn't she just get here? Wouldn't that be natural?"

Ulquiorra chose not to answer.

"So if she's still new, why ain'tcha showin' her around?"

"Why should I bother with such garbage?"

"Hm? If ya don't want ta do it, I will."

Perfect. "Do as you will, General Gin."

"Okay, see ya later, Ulquiorra-kun."

He couldn't have. "You…"

"I'm really lookin' forward ta spendin' time with this one, ya know." And off General Gin went, whistling down the corridor to join another bane of Ulquiorra's existence. Where was Yammy, anyway? Ulquiorra needed to hit someone.

......

"Re-Rey-chan, y-you just..!" Orihime was still a fair bit speechless.

"I know. Did you see his _face_?" Aubrey relished in the memory yet again. "He was trying _so hard_ not to kill me on the spot."

"Tha-that's not a good thing, Rey-chan!"

"Bah, like he can. And if he does, I'll just reincarnate again."

"But still…"

"Don't worry; Casclu'll take care of you."

"That's not what I meant!"

"Anou, knock knock!"

Orihime froze. She knew that voice..!

"Who is it?" Aubrey knew the voice, too, but didn't seem too affected by it.

"Ichimaru Gin."

"Would you like to come in?"

Orihime made furious nonono motions, but Aubrey just winked at her.

"Uhhh, if it's not too much trouble…"

"Alright."

In walked a still-smiley Gin, which hadn't changed since Aubrey had first met him. If her previous actions had been any indication, she was going to have as much fun with this as possible. "Hey, Aubrey-chan; Hime-chan."

"Hello," Aubrey smiled. Orihime nodded, trying not to look judgmental over what this man had done to Rangiku-chan. Somehow, she knew that he could see it, anyway.

"Well I'm here to escotcha 'round Hueco Mundo, Rey-chan."

"Coolness! Thanks."

"It's the least I can do for a new face. Wanna go ahead and get started?"

"Sure. C'mon, Ri-chan."

"Uhh, sorry Aubrey-chan. Ulquiorra might get mad at me if I allow that."

"Huh?" Aubrey kept up an innocent act to rival Gin's. "But don't you outrank him?"

"Yeah, but since the orders came from Aizen-taichou…"

"Ah." Aubrey rubbed the back of her head. "Sorry, Ri-chan…" She couldn't even leave Casclu with her roomie, given her mission.

"Don't worry about it, Rey-chan!"

Aubrey could tell that Orihime was faking that smile.

......

"And this is the cafeteria, where the Arrancar get souls and we get actual food."

"In all honesty, I prefer option two."

"Ha, thought so."

"Where do the souls come from?"

"Right now, the Congo."

"Ah. I half-expected you to say 'The Middle East' or 'Canada'."

"Ora? Why?"

"Probably because I grew up in America."

?

"Cultural running gags. Hm? Is that Ulquiorra?"

"Aww, I thought you were gonna call him Ulqui-k—"

"Hey, Ulquiorra. I thought that you were too busy to show me this place."

"…I am." _LEAVE ME ALONE!!!_

_There's anger buried down there. _"Alright, then—"

"Huh? Who the Hell're you?"

_Ah, it's Grimmkitty. _"Aubrey Malgen. You?"

"Nun've your business, human."

"Oh-kaaay, then…" Aubrey turned her attention to the menu. OMG, chocolate pudding.

"Ohayo, Jerry-san," Gin smiled.

It was morning? Aubrey turned to look at this "Jerry-san," thinking of D.G-M and THAT WAS -MAN'S JERRY. This fic had turned into a crossover now. Ah, and there was a mask remnant forming a funny hat. This made Aubrey smile.

"AAAH, a new face!" Jerry declared. "What do you want to eat? I can make ANYTHING!!!"

Aubrey thought, and got an evil idea. "Button mushrooms and shrimp in a cayenne-accented white sauce with angel hair pasta?"

"Yo-you cook!?"

"Yep," Aubrey beamed. "Ooh, and chocolate pudding?"

"Hai! But where are your fruits and vegetables, little human?"

"Hrm… Could you toss some cherry tomatoes into the pudding?"

Even Gin got a funny look on his face.

"… Yes," Jerry finally answered.

"Arigatou," she beamed.

......

"Are ya sure that's edible?"

"Yeah, the acidity of the tomatoes compliment the chocolate perfectly."

"If ya say so…" The nice way of saying, "no way in Hell will I try that."

"Yep. Thanks for the tour. What do I do with my plate?"

"Someone outta be by ta get it. Or you can stick it on the cart Ulqui-kun has taken to Orihime-chan…"

"Would that annoy him?"

"I hope."

"I'll have to try it, then."

Gin chuckled. "Gotta say, though, you're already doin' a pretty good job 'a it…"

"You think so?"

"Ah, yeah, like when he saw you in the Caf…"

"And that look on his face…"

"He was tryin' pretty hard ta hide the anger…"

"I _know_! It was _perfect_!"

By this point, both were giggling. This would be fun, indeed.

End of chapter

_Yes, I am enjoying this immensely. Pity Ulqui-kun, ne? _

_Review, please._

_Next time…_

"_I would like for you to demonstrate your powers for me."_

"_Yes, sir. Against who?"_

"_Yammy."_

"_Oh, yeah! C'mere, human!"_

_Aubrey smirked, but was disappointed. Why couldn't Aizen have given her Grimmkitty?_

_Unfortunately, I am running out of ideas, so the next update is waaaay in the distance. Sorry…_


	3. Crimson Sand

_Yes, Chapter Three__!_

Ulquiorra was a Vasto Lorde Arrancar. He was the fourth strongest Espada in Aizen-sama's army, killed whatever he needed to do or was ordered to, and followed nobody but Aizen-sama. Aizen-sama was also the only one he feared; nobody else.

So then why was he dreading fetching that stupid human Aubrey? He shouldn't have, and yet here he was, at the door, listening for a heads-up of whatever he would walk in on, next.

"Huh." (Aubrey) "There's a new way to use gelatin."

"Re-really?" (Orihime) "Nobody else does it? But it's so _good_!"

"Probably. After all, look at Louisiana's methodology. Thank you, deep fat fryers."

"Ehehe… Fried chicken is good…"

"We fry more than chicken, I assure you."

"Huh?"

Okay, they were talking about cooking. Boring. Ulquiorra opened the door, because at least boring meant that they wouldn't do anything—

Where had Aubrey gotten two full-sized kitchens?

Aubrey. Yes, it had to be Aubrey, because there she was dropping something or another into a… something on one of the two big, silver stoves. Why?

"Eeh? You fry _pickles_?" Orihime looked shocked. But… interested.

"Yep. Always go for the spears and not the chips."

"What?"

Orihime squeaked and whirled around… was that a pink apron? With a teddy bear on it?

"Oh, hey, Ulqui-kun."

Ugh, Aubrey… With a black apron that read, "Kill the cook. (If you can)." Oh, he could. Perhaps he would. "First, do not call me that. Second, where did you get these?"

"Hammerspace." Chekov's Gun.

…What? "Aizen-sama wishes for you to come to the throne room."

"Just me, or—"

"Both of you."

"May I finish frying my pickles, first?"

"No."

"They'll burn."

"It's your fault for bringing in two kitchens."

"Alright, then, no need to keep anybody waiting." And with that Aubrey picked up some tiny bag and pulled out…

"An Akuma!" Orihime exclaimed. I no own _D. Gray-Man._

"Modified," Aubrey told her, setting down the skeletal… Akuma? "Ne, Allen?"

"Hai, Aubrey-san?" it asked, seemingly unaware of Orihime's sudden blast of laughter.

"Would you mind watching the kitchens while we're gone?"

"Hai, Aubrey-san." And with that it pulled out its own apron ("Are you using that body?") and a metal spoon.

The throne room was still ridiculously big with the ridiculously high pedestal of a throne (as if the Big Freakin' Couch wasn't bad enough). Aizen was still up said pedestal, looking down at all of his subjects like the god he claimed to be (A God am I, oh please).

"Good morning, Aubrey; Orihime."

"Good morning, sir," both smiled with identical cheerfulness. If Aizen seemed surprised by Orihime, he didn't let it show.

"I'm sorry to have to keep calling you, Aubrey; but I would like for you to demonstrate your powers for me."

"Yes, sir. Against who?"

"Yammy."

"Yes, sir."

"Oh, yeah! C'mere, human!"

Aubrey smirked, but was disappointed. Why couldn't Aizen have given her Grimmkitty? Still, she prepared to square off against Yammy as Casclu led Orihime to the sidelines. The girl looked worried sick, probably because she had seen Yammy fight in the real world. And had been stuck bedridden for five days because of a single backswipe, and had seen him pummel Ichigo when his hollow had taken over… Best not to worry her, then.

"Would you like me to join you?" the dragoness called.

"Only if I get him to release," Aubrey called back.

"The Hell is that?" Yammy demanded.

"My partner. Kinda like a Zanpakutō, but nothing of the sort." Aubrey glanced as Syazel, who looked _way_ too interested in her Halae. "Ready?"

"Hell yeah, human!" Yammy charged, a maniacal grin spread across his face. Aubrey effortlessly sidestepped, wondering if she would even have to use her powers. Dodge, dodge, dodge, tick off Yammy with all the dodging, dodge some more… Dodge.

Orihime looked around the room, taking in everybody's reactions. Casclu looked unconcerned, most of the Hollow looked bored in the face of so much dodging, Ulquiorra didn't care, Gin looked like he had a secret, and Aizen looked detached from the whole thing. If Yammy were to kill her, he wouldn't care. At all.

Yammy hit, finally, and sent Aubrey flying toward a wall. _Rey-chan..!_

The witch kicked off, and flew right back at him. While materializing a giant black mallet, and raising it high over her head…

And smack into Yammy's head. It was suddenly his turn to go flying… And how was Aubrey able to twirl that thing like a baton? And why did she have the word "Fun!" written along its side? In periwinkle?

"That was amazing!" Orihime gushed as they made their way back. "That huge thing, and you just _smacked _Yammy across the room!"

Aubrey smiled back, absorbing the praise. She hadn't even used full power, not even close; no need to have Aizen worry about her presence, just yet.

Orihime was nervous. Aubrey had now pulled a wall-size TV out of her bag, hooked up her shiny navy blue Toshiba laptop, and plugged in a Flash Drive. She also had an aura suspiciously similar to Tatsuki-chan's scheming mode.

"Ever seen _Nightmare on Elm Street_?" Aubrey asked.

"Huh? Isn't that an American movie?"

"Yep; it's also one of my top five favorite horror series."

"Horror?"

"Yep."

"How much horror?"

Why had she agreed to this? Why? Orihime was watching a man named Freddy Krueger kill innocent teenagers _in their dreams_. As if that wasn't bad enough, Gin-san and a really creepy Espada had come knocking when they had heard the screams. And Ulquiorra had investigated. And Grimmjow had come in and immediately began laughing. And now they were sitting on the couches watching this poor girl fall into a liquidizing floor of _blood_, and—

"A wet dream?" Gin asked through his chuckles. "I like this man."

"Any human with claws like that has my vote," Grimmjow pitched in.

"Run human, run!" Nnoitra howled with laughter.

"You're making it hard to hear the screams," Ulquiorra told them.

"I heard that one," Aubrey smirked.

… Was Orihime the _only one_ rooting for the heroes?

"What are you watching?" a pink-haired Arrancar asked.

"Oh no," Grimmjow growled. "Go away, Syazel, you'll get too many ideas." Oh, Kami...

"Too late; I _love_ this movie," Syazel smirked. "Ooh, this part especially…"

Everybody but Orihime and Ulquiorra howled with laughter, and Orihime was sure that she saw that Espada smiling.

"Get Stark in here," Nnoitra suggested. "He'll never fall asleep at a meeting, again!"

Orihime couldn't leave, since it was her room and she couldn't go anywhere alone. And even if she asked for an escort to somewhere else, she had a bad feeling that any escort Ulquiorra called would stick around and watch the movie. She hated seeing people get hurt, and being stuck with Aizen was almost preferable at this point…

'_Don't worry,'_ Aubrey told her telepathically. _'The good guys always win in this series.'_

So Rey-chan still cared about her, after all. She'd still almost rather be stuck with Aizen, though…

"What are we watching?" a new voice asked.

"Ai-Aizen-sama!" everybody exclaimed about simultaneously (excepting Aubrey's "Sir!").

"_Nightmare on Elm Street II,_" Aubrey smiled.

"I see. Is it good?"

"It's epic!" Grimmjow laughed. "Ooh, wait for it, wait for it…"

Aubrey began explaining the premise of the villain as the others watched (Syazel helped), and Orihime couldn't help but think that Aizen looked _way _too interested in her explanation. So much so that he asked to borrow the movie, later.

Orihime prayed that he wouldn't call for a movie night.

"Re-Rey-chan?"

"Hai, Ri-chan?"

"I-I'm too scared to go to sleep, now…"

"Don't worry, he's not real in this dimension."

"A-are you sure?"

"Yes, and besides. Do you see anywhere called Elm Street in Los Noches?"

"No-no…"

"Well, then. There you go."

"Oi, Pet-chan," Nnoitra called through the door.

"Ju-just a minute…" Orihime called, eyes crying out, "What should we do?"

Aubrey stood calmly and went to open the door.

"Hey, Aubrey," Nnoitra smirked. "Just came by to tell the pet that I'm gonna get the name 'a this hall changed."

"Really?" Aubrey asked as if surprised.

"Yeah, I was thinking of _Elm Street_." He threw the statement right at Orihime, looking for any fear in her response.

"Not Spanish," Aubrey pointed out.

"Ah well, I'm gonna try for it, anyway. Pleasant dreams, Pet-sama."

Orihime wanted to scream. At least he left after that, for all the good it did.

"Sorry about this," Aubrey sighed. "Looks like I dumped the can of worms on your head, huh?"

"I-It's fine!" Orihime protested. "I-It's just that…"

"Don't worry about it," Aubrey smiled. "After all of the nonsense _you've_ been through, you could probably just slice him in two with Tsubaki."

Orihime squeaked, not happy with the thought.

"Or," Aubrey continued, "you could heal his burns and see if he'll be grateful enough to spare you. If that fails, hey, you've still got another shield."

"Bu-but he can control everything," Orihime pointed out. "What if he takes them away?"

"Knowing your luck," Aubrey smirked, "a dream version of Ichigo'll ride over and beat Krueger to a bloody pulp."

Orihime blushed. She had barely mentioned Kurosaki-kun, so how had Rey-chan already—

"Woman's intuition," Aubrey explained. "And even if that doesn't work, I can _easily_ hop into dreams; I'll beat him up for you, then toss him into Nnoitra's."

"Why-why?"

"Because Ulquiorra would probably emo him to death."

"Huh?"

"Aww, come _on_. He's an Emocar and you know it."

"…"

"Or I could toss him into Grimmkitty's. Then who knows what'd happen?"

"Gri-grim—"

"Grimmkitty." Aubrey then noted Orihime's curious face. "Grimm_jaw_ _Jaguar_jaques? Those facial markings? He's _got_ to be a feline; just you wait."

"…"

"Maybe I should call him Grimmkitty later?"

"No-no! I don't want you to die!"

"By his hand? No way."

"But-but even Kurosaki-kun has trouble! Ho-how could…"

"Don't underestimate a witch."

End of Chapter

_Too much OC-dominance? Sorry, but I thought it funny at the time… I'll try to fix that, next time. Sorry for taking so long. Again._

_Ara._


	4. We Didn't Start the Flame War

_And Chapter Four! Still don't own _Bleach, TV Tropes, _or anything that has aired on Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon, etc._

Aubrey was prowling the Internet, hoping to alleviate the sudden dose of extreme boredom that could only have been brought on by Ara's hope of dragging in more references. Soon, she found the necessary site, found its Title Search option, and typed in "Bleach."

_Bleached Underpants(Laconic/), Bleached Underpants, Brain Bleach (Troper Tales/), Brain Bleach (TropeCo/), Brain Bleach (Quotes/), Brain Bleach, Brain Bleach (Laconic/), Disease Bleach._ No mention of _Bleach _by Tite Kubo and not Ara, which meant…

She could clue other characters in on the existence of this website. "I wonder…"

"Huh?" Orihime shot up and out of her daydream.

"Oh, sorry; I'm just wondering if I could add Sir Aizen to the Karma Houdini examples page."

"Huh?"

"Never been on TV Tropes?"

"Uh…"

"It lists all of the conventions used in TV, literature, manga, etc. and gives them names that are either based upon an example or just sound awesome. For instance, a Karma Houdini." Aubrey then began to read from the page of a website not owned by Ara…

"The Big Bad's kicked the hero's dog, abducted his family and held them hostage, abused the most sympathetic of his Woobie minions, killed off the series' most popular Ensemble Darkhorse and invented a Kill Sat that uses babies as its primary fuel, not to mention jaywalking in front of a bus full of nuns. He's done just about every conceivable thing that would make an audience boo, hiss and hate him with the burning fire of a thousand Foreman Grills. So when the Karmic Hammer falls and the time for his comeuppance finally arrives, the audience is going to sit back and bask in the satisfaction that can only come from watching a Complete Monster get what he so richly deserves, up to and including a highly ironic and gruesomely appropriate death.

Only... that's not what happens. He _doesn't_ get what he deserves. Instead, he thumbs his nose at the hero, dons his baby harp seal cape (made from baby harp seals he personally clubbed himself) and dashes off into the night scot-free. And this isn't a comic book villain, who has to escape so he can come back and be thwarted by the hero time and time again. No. This is it. This is all there is to the story. The show is over. The book is finished. The author isn't going to write any more. The Word Of God has been spoken. The villain has become a Karma Houdini."

…Orihime prayed that that wouldn't be Aizen.

"Let's see… Sir Aizen has… tricked the whole of the Seireitei into nearly killing Rukia, had you abducted, stabbed his lieutenant in mid-hug, nearly killed Captain Hitsugaya among many others, plans to use the Hogyoku to destroy Karakura and make the Oken, let Grimmkitty kill off his would-be replacement… strung the Seireitei along with his zanpakuto, made an enemy out of almost everyone you know… and then he skipped merrily to Hueco Mundo after nearly killing several more and making fools out of everyone on the scene at the time. Does that count?"

"It's not over yet," Orihime protested. "There's still the Winter Battle!"

"Hrm… True. So you're hoping for Comeuppance?"

"I…" Wait… "How did you know all of that, anyway?"

"I did the research… Huh."

"What?"

"He's listed under Real Life… As Aizen-sama. See Magnificent Bastard for details."

"Magnificent?" Bastard, yes, but 'Magnificent'?

"We all know the Chessmaster: cold, intelligent, calculating. His catspaws moving to shape events to his liking while he pulls the strings, the whole time secure in his fortress, never getting his hands dirty.

And then there is the Magnificent Bastard.

The Magnificent Bastard is what happens when you combine the Chessmaster, the Trickster, and the Manipulative Bastard (Large Ham is optional): bold, charismatic, independent, and audacious. Unlike the Chessmaster, who seeks to control every single minute aspect of a situation, the Magnificent Bastard plays the odds and wins regularly. Another difference is the Bastard's willingness to step onto the playing field in person. The risks are obvious, but the strategic advantages are numerous. With charm, style, and an understanding of the human psyche, the Magnificent Bastard can play people's emotions like a piano and often come up smelling of roses afterwards. As a trickster, he or she can easily adjust strategy on the fly; Xanatos Speed Chess is the Bastard's signature technique.

Generally, this character is _real_ good at being bad.

The Magnificent Bastard can be at any level of the villainous hierarchy - the Big Bad, The Dragon, or a Wild Card trusted by neither side (note that if a Magnificent Bastard works for a Big Bad who is not one himself, he's likely to be a Hypercompetent Sidekick, Dragon In Chief, or Dragon With An Agenda — these guys don't give their loyalty to inferior people without qualifications). Also, the Magnificent Bastard is likely to appear as a Villain Protagonist or dark Anti Hero, whose nature allows more of an emotional investment in his or her chess pieces than many other types of villains. Sometimes he will even appear on the _good_ side of the ledger as a somewhat untrustworthy ally whose methods are less than scrupulous, but as long as you don't ask too many questions, he might just do you a good service. (Though if the Bastard ever moves completely out of the 'evil' spectrum, he becomes a different trope). Some characters are even adept at straddling the two tropes.

The term was first used by General Patton in reference to Erwin Rommel in the film _Patton_. It acquired its current meaning courtesy of Lionel Luthor of _Smallville_, who was given this nickname by the Television Without Pity boards.

Compare and contrast Smug Snake, who is a similar archetype but allows his ego to overtake his awesomeness. Can overlap with Crazy Awesome if the crazy has a strong element of cunning (although Crazy Awesome is more often a specifically heroic trope, one that relies on more improvisation than the Bastard). (Mostly) Contrast the Complete Monster, whose acts fill the audience with hate and revulsion. For just the villainous charm, see Affably Evil, Evilly Affable, and Wicked Cultured. For just the ingenious planning, see The Chessmaster (events) and Manipulative Bastard (emotions). The Magnificent Bastard is often a beneficiary of Jerkass Dissonance. Compare and contrast Villain Sue, where this is taken so far Beyond The Impossible that it breaks the audience's suspension of disbelief and therefore becomes annoying rather than cool."

…That was a lot of text. And hitting _waaay_ too close to home at some points.

"Do you think that Sir Aizen counts as a Villain Sue?"

"A huh?"

"A Mary Sue—a perfect self-insert that can never fail and always gets annoying with it—for villains. If this were a manga, would Sir Aizen apply?"

"Maybe… Like Aeon from _Chrno Crusade_?"

"Yep." _I'll make you a troper, yet._

And thus Aubrey introduced Orihime to TV Tropes, especially the "TV Tropes Will Ruin Your Life" page. Tropes, the conventions and—despite claims to the contrary—clichés of writing, which in their very nature permeated television, comics, books, heck even video games; and this website dedicated to cataloguing every single one. And, upon visiting this website, she would never again be able to watch _any_ story without finding the tropes in it. And it was, in these trawls which could consume your life if left unchecked, that they came across the article titled, "If You're So Evil Eat This Kitten."

Which made Orihime gasp in light horror.

"Well, it really means, 'if you want to be my evil ally, do this evil thing.' The Standard Evil Test, effectively. But if we were to take it seriously…"

Oh no, it was the scheming face.

"How many of these guys do you honestly think would eat a kitten?"

"I don't think so, Rey-chan…"

"Aww, c'mon. Nobody's that cold."

"Uhm…"

"Well, that _obviously_ cold. He's hiding something."

"No way! You've been around him!"

"I'm _telling you_, Ri-chan. Even Ulqui-kun can't be pure evil."

Okay, what the hell. Ulquiorra opened the door, trying to look unconcerned with what had to be Aubrey's latest attempt to annoy him. "What now?"

"Just a psychological debate," Aubrey beamed. "Ne, can I ask you a question?"

"No."

"Too late."

"…"

"So on that note, how ruthless would you say you are?"

"What?"

"How ruthless are you? Hard-core, cruel, straight-up evil?"

"… I'm the Fourth Espada, willing to kill whomever must be killed. What do you think?"

"… I think that Gin-kun's a General under Sir Aizen, slaughtered quite a few people in the Soul Society, and is still one of the friendliest people here. Not much of a contest, though, a lot of the time…"

"This is a waste of time."

"You never answered my question."

Good grief, if he didn't straight up tell this monstrosity… "I will kill, destroy, and do whatever Aizen-sama requires. If that is evil by human definition, then so be it. I am very evil, now leave me alone."

"First, you're the one who interrupted our debate."

Must… kill… abomination…

"Second, are you sure you're evil."

"Yes."

"Sure you're sure?"

"Yes."

"Absolutely sure you're absolutely evil."

"Yes."

"If you're so evil, eat this kitten."

?

It was small. And black. With huge, expressive green eyes that seemed to grow larger the longer he looked at it. It stared up at Ulquiorra with so much innocence and cuteness and…

"Ridiculous." He promptly left.

Aubrey howled with laughter, and fed the kitten another bottle of hot sauce.

Orihime was too much in shock to protest.

Enjoying her success at the endeavor, Aubrey had resolved to torment as many Los Noches residents as possible, and relay them all back to Orihime via a live feed to the laptop. Gin's had been auburn with huge blue eyes—OMG it was Rangiku—and he'd made some frantic joke about kittens not being on his diet. Grimmjow had blinked, stared wide-eyed at the thing in Aubrey's outstretched palms with his mouth constantly shrinking as his eyes grew wider and wider… and turned away even quicker than Ulquiorra. Halbiel's fraccion had cooed over it, one of Barragan's fraccion had wanted to give it a tutu, Syazel-Apporro…

Ate it. Whole. Orihime stared in horror at the screen, so much wishing to unsee that poor pink kitten vanishing down the Hollow's throat with a final plaintive mew…

Until Syazel had blown out a HUGE wall of fire, and began screaming for water, and…

And Aubrey had burst out laughing, and Gin had wandered by to stare, and Aubrey had pulled out a bottle of Malgen family hot sauce…

And Orihime wondered how her life had become like this.

So. Many. Cartoons. Orihime finally managed to blink, struggling to do so as if even her eyes were overflowing with all of the data suddenly stored in her head.

"That was fun," Aubrey smiled from the other couch. "I haven't had a cartoon binge like that in awhile."

"And that's what Americans watch?"

"Some of them. Most watch shows with live actors, and most kids watch newer stuff. I guess they'd know _Billy and Mandy_, though."

"They scare me."

"So do most of the people here."

"…"

"Anybody home?" Nnoitra called.

"Nope," Aubrey called back.

"Yes, you are."

"No, we're not. Would you like to come in, anyway?"

"Duh."

"Now why would you like to come into our room while we're not there?"

"So I can kill you for not letting me in."

"Huh. I thought you'd huff and you'd puff and you'd blow our house down."

"I'll _cut_ it down if you don't let me in."

"I was taught not to give in to violence."

"You bitch—"

"I can barely hear you through the door," Aubrey smirked. "Come in if you're going to."

The door crashed open, revealing a less-than-smiling Nnoitra…

And a very smiling Ichimaru Gin.

"What brings you here?" Aubrey asked as if she wasn't the cause of the 5th Espada's distress.

"A rumor."

"No, I didn't leave exploding mousetraps on Barragan's throne. Anything else?"

"Different rumor."

"No, I didn't kill Yammy's annoying little puppy."

"Not what I'm talking about!"

"No, I didn't jaywalk in front of a bus full of nuns."

"_No_—what's so funny, pet?"

"Ju-just a trope…" Orihime choked out.

"Huh?"

"It Makes Sense in Context," Aubrey shrugged. "So what was it you came here for?"

"The Evil Test."

"… Huh?"

"Word is you made an evil test that half the Espada or their fraccions flunked," Nnoitra said. "I want to prove them wusses once and for all."

"Oh. Are you sure?"

"Yep."

"It's a fairly evil test."

"Just do it."

"'K. So you're sure you're evil?"

"Yep."

"Positive?"

"Yes."

"Absolutely—"

"_Yes, I AM EVIL._"

"Then if you're so evil, eat this kitten." Aubrey then whipped out yet another kitten, this one for some reason teal… And Orihime moved closer to see the head lift, the eyes widen…

And Nnoitra plucked it from Aubrey's hands and tossed it into his mouth. And slurped up the tail like ramen. And Orihime waited for the wall of flame…

"That all you got?" Nnoitra smirked wide. "That wasn't spicy at all."

Aubrey actually blinked.

"What, you think I hadn't heard about your fancy-schmancy hot sauce? I'd already heard 'bout Syazel from Tesla _long_ before General Gin tried to trick me into this." He then laughed into Gin's surprised face. "Hah! I've got the toughest Hierro of any Espada. You think…"

His mouth shrank. And puckered, and his eyes watered, and his face turned greener than the kitten as his eye bulged and… "_sour…_" he managed to squeak. And then what was left of his mouth vanished into a pinprick of a hole as Aubrey's smile got wider and wider and wider…

And then Nnoitra fell over.

"Huh," Aubrey blinked as the three stared down at him. "That's one way to fall asleep."

"Wi-will he be okay?" Orihime asked nervously. His mouth was so tiny…

"Sure. It's not like I used Puckerberries or anything."

"Better call Tesla," Gin sighed through a particularly demented grin.

Aubrey smiled, and curled up on the couch like a contented kitten. Casclu rolled her eyes from her perch, again in silver tabby form. "That was fun."

"…"

"And just think; the temporal differences between the Living World and Hueco Mundo will catch up before too much longer."

"…I kinda want it to happen now…"

"I'm a witch, not a magician," Aubrey sighed as she drifted off to sleep.

Orihime wasn't quite sure what to make of that, but knowing Aubrey she wasn't supposed to. And besides, it was nice to have a roommate, period. Ulquiorra didn't even bother them anymore… Orihime yawned, stretched out, blinked her eyes shut…

"**DOOM DOO DOO DOO DOO- DOOM-DOOM-DOOOOOOOOM~~~!"**

Orihime and Aubrey shot up as the intercom erupted into what could only be…

No.

Someone other than Aubrey had to be pranking them.

"… What are you doing?" a nervous mook asked over the racket.

"I'm gonna sing the Doom Song. _Doom-doom-doom-doom doo doo doooom~!_"

"I like chocolate milk!"

"I like nachos!"

"I love both! Right, Plank?"

The three ran full-canter to the Throne Room, just in time to see Chuck Norris crush Batman's head in between his thighs.

Orihime tried to remember the song. "But isn't this the part when—"

The Espada were overwhelmed by the new flood of opponents; Gandalf the Gray and Gandalf the White and _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_'s Black Knight and Benito Mussolini and the Blue Meanie and Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie, Robocop, Terminator, Captain Kirk and Darth Vader, Lo Pan and Superman, every other Power Ranger, Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, Spock, the Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan. They all came out of nowhere lightning fast, and kicked Chuck Norris and the Espada's rears!

Well, somewhat; it was quickly turning into one of the bloodiest battles Orihime had ever seen, and the next thing she knew Aubrey was leaping in with glee. And her mallet. It was all that Orihime could do to summon her shield in time as Casclu joined in, but she still soon found herself getting knocked flying through the air.

And landing in someone's arms..? Oh God, if it was Aizen, she was going to—

"Inoue, you okay?"

Orihime blinked, looked up, and found herself catching her breath as she locked eyes with—

"Ku-Kurosaki-kun..?" Here? Now? Holding her bridal-style? Aubrey _had_ to be laughing.

"Ye-yeah—do you have any idea what the _Hell's_ going on?"

"We-well Rey-chan—she's my roommate—and I were on the Internet and she was showing me American cartoons from the Nineties when a wormhole opened and a few of the worst popped up in Los Noches and so we went to track them down and then more showed up and somehow it turned into the fight from a song called 'The Ultimate Showdown' and…" Orihime could hear Aubrey laughing at the face Ichigo was making. \I can't even imagine it, but I'm laughing, too./ "It makes sense in context," the poor girl finished, as if he'd get the reference.

"…I'll take your word for it."

Aubrey blocked the Terminator's spread of bullets with her mallet, and quickly landed beside them. "You're supposed to be in the human world." _Ara, what have you done, now? This wasn't in the manga. _

"Yeah, but I'm here to save Inoue. Who the Hell are you?"

"Aubrey, Ri-chan's roomie. I'll assume that she's safe with you?" _Bridal-style?_

"Ri-chan..?" It took Ichigo a second to figure out the nickname, and he completely missed the way that Orihime blushed when he said it (his saying "chan," period…) "Well, of course!"

"Good. I have to go stop Mr. Rogers." And with that, Aubrey took off for the far hall with the final call of, "If she gets hurt on your watch, I'll stick you on a plate of nachos and serve you to Fredburger!"

"Rey-chan!" Orihime protested, but it was too late.

"…What?"

"It makes sense in context…"

Kinda like her life since the advent of Aubrey. No, more like the advent of Ichigo. As such, the final battle happened in a blur that left nothing to really stick in her overloaded brain. Details and fights rushed by, Aizen was defeated, and they were soon able to enjoy themselves by the river, again. It was on a particularly peaceful evening, stars bright and moon shining as it had in Hueco Mundo, that Orihime's riverside meditation was interrupted.

"Inoue?"

"Kurosaki-kun!" Orihime sat up from the thickening grass, quickly bouncing up at the sight of her favorite hero. "What are you doing here?"

"Ugh, I wandered here on accident. I've been spacing out since the fight with Aizen."

"Oh! I know how that feels!" Boy, didn't she. Her thoughts had actually taken a _darker_ turn since that fight, too. Ri-chan hadn't been able to come by and say, "hello," either.

"…Yeah…"

She'd been spacing out again.

"Are you two going to kiss?"

Both turned beet red, seeking out the source of the question: a little Fred Fredburger, inexplicably clutching Orihime's leg.

"THE HELL?" Ichigo demanded.

"Don't ask!" Orihime cried.

How this scene led to her first kiss was really beyond her at this point.

Orihime sat up, yawning and looking blearily around… her cell from Hueco Mundo?

Across the gap between couches, Aubrey was doing the same. Wait, what, how?

Had that been a dream?

"Well, that was a weird dream," Aubrey remarked.

"Hu-huh?"

"Did you have one, too?"

"Yeah, where cartoon characters started coming to life in Las Noches…"

Aubrey froze. "Gir on the intercom? Cheese versus Aizen?"

"Ultimate Showdown in the Throne Room? Kurosaki-kun coming to save me?"

"A vat of pudding and a giant hamster ball?"

"Hu-huh? No-no, it was after the war and… Kurosaki-kun—Wait, we had similar dreams?"

"Until we branched off in the dream-verse. And you kissed Ichigo in yours?"

"Awa-I-!"

"Hehe, nice."

"And we beat Aizen." Okay. Distract her with that.

"Didn't pay much attention to the how of that last part?"

"Rey-chan!" Orihime moaned.

"Hehe, sorry. But you know?"

"Huh?"

"This gives me an idea."

"Huh?"

"Let's open a wormhole."

"Ie~e!"

End of Chapter

_I really had fun with the kitten part. Why? Because I was housesitting when I wrote that part, and I got to sit through this crazy little kitten who kept trying to bite my feet! Now I really do love cats, some species more than any other creature, but that kitten… Hoo boy, it would be fun if it wouldn't bite. I don't own "Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny," either._


	5. All I Want for Christmas is You

_In order to top Chapter 4, I have concocted Chapter 5._

_Muahaha_

"Move it," Aubrey murmured, effortlessly blocking… again.

Orihime tried her hardest to keep up with the pace, but Aubrey was moving right at her maximum, and matching her was exhausting. And impossible.

Aubrey side-stepped Orihime's punch and swung her hand in a perfect blow to her temple… again.

Orihime ignored the ringing in her ears, the pounding in her head, trying to slip into that same fluid grace that shone in Aubrey's every move. Sweeping kicks and perfect control. Subtle strikes and pounding blows. Movement on instinct and the experience of the ages.

Aubrey jumped over Orihime's high kick, and the last thing she felt was feet on her head—before the 53 kilogram weight forced her to fall forwards. Orihime struggled to right herself, but an ever-silent Aubrey kicked her effortlessly across the room… again.

"Oof!" Orihime bounced off of the practice mats adorning every surface and rolled into a crouch. That much, at least, she could do. If nothing else, training with Aubrey made her learn how to take a punch.

She was right in front of her! Orihime crossed her arms to block, and barely registered the kick before she was ducking out of the way! She had ducked!

Another kick followed, and Orihime struggled to stand. Block, dodge, block, dodge, and she just _knew_ that she was being forced into the corner.

She blocked and sprang, forcing Aubrey's arm away and aiming right for her throat.

Aubrey barely dodged the slice at her throat, but it was closer than the last time.

Much closer. They fought it out until Aubrey's stamina gave out and they collapsed onto the couch. Orihime watched, fascinated that the girl she could barely land a hit on was gasping for air like a dying woman. Her stamina levels were so much _lower_ than they should have been…

A cough hitched in Aubrey's throat, and then another, louder. Louder and louder, finally bursting from her throat in a coughing spell so atrocious Orihime feared that she would see bits of lung flying from her throat. She had been warned about this, but… "Ri-chan?"

Aubrey gasped for breath between coughs and somehow managed to hold out her palm in a gesture of "Stop. Don't worry."

That was when she pressed her hand to her mouth, and Orihime could hear something wet splattering against the hidden palm.

It was terrifying to sit through.

Finally the coughing bout slowed, eased, stopped. Blood, dark and tinged blue, leaked from Aubrey's palms before she consumed it in a blue fire-mist of Reiatsu. The mess around her mouth and chin quickly followed.

"Sorry about that," Aubrey sighed. Tabby-Casclu rubbed up alongside her, gently purring as Aubrey rubbed shaky fingers behind silver ears. "It's not as bad as it looks."

"Are you sure I can't heal it?" Orihime whispered.

Aubrey shrugged. "Too much power in too frail a body, the basic definition of Inverno. And since I really don't want you trying to Reject my powers…"

Orihime nodded sadly, and felt the stirrings of fear. Could she _not_ cancel powers greater than her own? What about the Hogyoku; she had to destroy it before Aizen could use it to hurt everyone! It—

"D'accord." Aubrey stood with fluid grace, as if prepared to go at it again, _so__soon_… "I'd like to show you a few moves not covered by Karate, if you'd like to keep going."

"A-are you sure? You don't want to rest—"

"I know my own limits, y'know," Aubrey beamed, sliding into her distinctive _engarde_. Orihime sighed and answered with one of the stances ingrained into her by Tatsuki-chan, and watched Aubrey sweep through a deceptively simple maneuver.

Deceptively simple, because an hour later she was still messing up on it. They only stopped there for the sake of a break, and Aubrey quickly pulled up… TV Tropes. "How to Become a Love Interest," the brunette declared.

Orihime blinked. "Huh?"

"I'd like to check something." She then began looking over the list for Females… Okay, you said Tatsuki-chan met him before you?"

"Ye-yeah…"

"Okay, so we can't have First Girl Wins… Last Girl Wins definitely won't apply… Ooh, all heroes want redheads. One."

"Yo-you aren't!"

"Three's out because you're both Japanese…"

"Wha-what?"

"The stereotype of Americans and cheerleaders," Aubrey waved. "And your first meeting at the Clinic is fairly memorable. Two."

"He probably doesn't remember it…"

"I'll check on it, and list it for now. Okay, I'm assuming he's never seen you naked so there goes five…"

"You're worse than Tatsuki-chan!" Orihime cried, face flaming.

"Have you ever punched him?"

"No-no, of course not!"

"Didn't think so.

"You're definitely not horrified at the thought of loving him…"

"Why-why _would_ I be?"

"I dunno, remember this is a Trope… And neither of you have had your first kiss…"

"Ho-how would you know for Kurosaki-kun?"

"Just a guess. Childhood marriage proposal, no… Oh, _here_we go."

Orihime was scared to ask. She really was.

"Congratulations, Ri-chan. You currently qualify as a Damsel in Distress."

"Wha-WHAT?" But that meant castles and Kurosaki-kun as a knight in shining armor and Aizen as a fire-breathing dragon and she would have a pink traffic cone on her head, and Ri-chan would be the fairy messing with all of them, and…

"If there's any way to become a love interest, that's it. Three. Heck, you should get bonus points for that one. Six. Hey, Rukia lives in the Soul Society, right? And is technically dead?"

"Ha-hai…"

"Excellent, there goes your main competition. Seven."

Orihime felt mortified, especially at the happy little burst somewhere… Eyaaa!

"Hrm, you're beautiful to begin with… Of course even Ulquiorra commented that you look pretty good in that outfit, so maybe you can get away with Beautiful All Along… Seven and a half. Do you ever wear glasses?"

Orihime's brain was struggling to keep up with Aubrey's runaway train, but somehow managed to mumble that she used reading glasses sometimes…

"Excellent. Eight and a half. Are you a good student?"

"Ye-yeah! I-I'm ranked third in class, but there are so many people who are smarter than me…"

"You get Nine and a half, anyway. Do you work out?"

"Ta-Tatsuki-chan trains me in karate…"

"Perfect. Ten and a half. And you're so delicate seventeen is an easy pass. Eighteen, you're hardly forcing yourself on him—"

"Wha-what?" Orihime finally managed to make herself run around behind Aubrey… Who promptly jumped up and sat on the ceiling. "Twelve and a half. Have you ever had to use the Hands On Approach?"

"Huh?"

"Y'know, dance, baseball, whatever, re-positioning the person's arms and what-not…"

"No-no…" It would probably be fun, but she'd never have the guts to ever really touch him, never mind…

"Do either of you play a musical instrument?"

"No…" She'd like to, but…"

"No duet, then. Do you sing?"

"I love to sing!" They'd sung the other night!

"Thirteen and a half. Are you secretly a guy?"

Orihime's mind did such a backflop splat at that that Aubrey knew it was a no.

"Have you ever cross-dressed?"

"We tried…" Orihime sighed. "Tatsuki-chan and I couldn't make the tape work…"

"The tape?"

"For my chest. They kept bouncing free…" Yet another mortifying thought, especially when Aubrey started holding down laughter.

"And we've already established that you're not forcing yourself on him…"

Orihime's face re-lit on fire.

"And again you're both Japanese, so we can toss Where Da White Women At out the window… And your competition has yet to confess any feelings they may or may not have, you didn't do so in the first few minutes of meeting him no matter how obvious the blush is… Which means that so long as you can actually get your confession _out_…"

Orihime felt her face bubbling at the thought of it; there was no way he'd ever like her back, and…

"Point five out of hope. And fourteen out of twenty-six is… A 53.846 percent chance of victory for Team Ichihime. Good odds."

"Do you have a calculator up there?" Orihime wondered aloud.

"Yes. It's called my brain."

Orihime laughed at that, and Aubrey's latest strategy of keeping the gloom away.

"Anybody home?"

That was Ichimaru-k-san. Ichimaru-san, who was _not_ supposed to be their friend, darnit!

"Technically not Ri-chan, since her home's on Earth," Aubrey called. "Why?"

"Can't I come say hi?"

"Life at the top that boring?"

"Not until I run out of subordinates," came the good-natured reply.

"Come on in, then." Aubrey continued sitting on the ceiling when Ichimaru-san actually spotted her. The aquamarine eyes were a bit of a shock… "Since it's boring as Hell here, we're just establishing Ri-chan's chances as a love interest."

"_Rey-chaaaaan__…_" Orihime moaned.

"Hm?" Ichimaru-san made a contemplative face. "With Ichigo?"

"Ho-how did you…" Oh _God_ she had confessed her feelings for Kurosaki-kun to _Ichimaru-san._

The world blanked for a moment.

When it returned her jaw had dropped, her face had reached a whole new boiling point, and Aubrey was cackling overhead.

"Wellll," Ichimaru-san smiled nervously. "This is awkward… I'll just be going…"

NOOOOOOOO!

The doorway and walls lit up with bright blue flames. Ichimaru-san tried his best to remain nonchalant in the face of it, but something was off, even for him—

He had opened his eyes. Bright blue eyes. Aubrey's eyes grew an even brighter blue, with a smile that explained Squad 11's fear of Unohana-taicho… And pulled out a stick of darkly polished wood… no way…

Was that a _wand_?

"_Obliviate!_"

No way!

Ichimaru-san was out before he hit the ground.

Aubrey whistled and dropped down to the floor, laptop floating behind her. "Well now…"

"Riiii-chaaan!" Orihime exclaimed, finally truly realizing that her roomie had _knocked__out__Aizen__'__s__right-hand__man__…_ Why was she digging in her purse? Since when did she _have_ a purse?

She then pulled out something from said purse, tapped it with her _wand_… And tossed a rapidly expanding golden hippo onto the ground by Ichimaru-san. The crash alone should have woken him up, but he didn't even twitch.

Somehow, that was surprising Orihime more than the giant golden hippo that Aubrey had just pulled out of her previously unseen purse. And made bigger with a wand. Which she had obliviated Ichimaru-san with.

… Could she not freak out, anymore?

"Oh no," Aubrey exclaimed in a monotone voice. "I have dropped a gigantic golden hippo upon Aizen's right hand man." He smirk widened, and the monotone dropped as she added, "Nobody ever checks the ceiling."

**End of Chapter**

_And this had nothing to do with Christmas. I really don't care, neither does Aubrey, and I have not Obliviated Kubo so that I may claim Bleach. Whether or not I want to has been fluctuating rather wildly, recently. Oh, and since I'm back from since I don't know when..._

_**Review!**_


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